Jokes - General
Jokes - General
Apple announced today that it has developed a
breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about
men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
breast implant that can store and play music.
The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.
This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about
men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
Apple does it again
New stuff always welcome
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a
beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales
person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional, in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!"
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional, in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!"
Don't fart in Harrods
1. Two blondes walk into a building ... you'd think at
least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, '! I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'
8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'
14. A guy goes into the doctor's.'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Now don't you start!'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round. 'The other one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
22. A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the night.
See what I mean – daft they may be but…………..
2. Phone answering machine message ... 'If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.'
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, '! I know you can't, I've cut your arms off.'
8. I went to a seafood disco last week ... and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
10. Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. A man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
The doctor says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
12. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That's the Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
13. A man takes his Rotweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What, because he's cross-eyed?' 'No, because he's really heavy.'
14. A guy goes into the doctor's.'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' 'Now don't you start!'
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's not me so it's either my Mum or my Dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. I think it's Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub. One says to the other, 'Your round. 'The other one says, 'So are you, you fat git!'
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
22. A man walked into the doctor ' and said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore.'
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to rise as digging continues into the night.
See what I mean – daft they may be but…………..
A few daft Tommy Cooper jokes
A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself
off to the doctors.
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
‘What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor
'Your mother must have been a carrier'
'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.
'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows. Come back and see me in a couple of days.'
The little paper bag felt no better when he went back for the results.
‘What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.
'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.
'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' said the little paper bag.
'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.
'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion?' queried the doctor.
'NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?'
'NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!'
'Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor
'Your mother must have been a carrier'
Little paper bag
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer
last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"Oh, I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, hugged and kissed me.
That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........
Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before..............
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"Oh, I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited, hugged and kissed me.
That night we had the most amazing sex ever..........
Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before..............
Cheap flights
A man was walking down the street when he was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for
dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."
The tramp
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old
daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said "Daddy, look at this" and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said
"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers" pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied "What happened to my bogie?"
At one point she said "Daddy, look at this" and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said
"Daddy's gonna eat your fingers" pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied "What happened to my bogie?"
Dad and Daughter
The teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on
a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be
left?"
She calls on Little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
She calls on Little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
Little Johnny
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