Jokes - ethnic
Jokes - ethnic
Sitting in a bar the Scotsman says, "As good as this bar is, I
still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee
place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way
for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth
drink."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favourite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you gets laid, all on the house!"
The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true. Then the Englishman asked, "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister quite a few times."
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down
and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi .'
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but
her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'
The lady can't take this any more,
'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!'
'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi .'
No Speakah da English
The first of many "Bar" jokes
New stuff always welcome
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincents Hospital for
heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors
needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the
gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW,
diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".
gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW,
diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".
The Arab and the Scotsman
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big
bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy,
'You must have a vase somewhere!'
Paddy and the Flowers
Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi
beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.
So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate,it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.
You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard,
"Maaaaate. The potato goes in front!"
Mate,it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style.
You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard,
"Maaaaate. The potato goes in front!"
Paddy on Bondi beach
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.
Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She
then walked off.
Mick said: "Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
A blonde walks by and asked what they were doing.
Paddy: "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."
The blonde took a spanner from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the flagpole down. She pulled a tape measure from her pocket, took a few measurements and announced that it was eighteen feet and six inches. She
then walked off.
Mick said: "Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde! We need the height and she gives us the length."
Paddy and the flagpole
Paddy and Mick
Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said: "Paddy,
will you be drawing your bedroom curtains before
making love to your wife in the future?"
"Why?" asked Paddy.
"Because", said Mick, "All the street was laughing when they saw you making love to her yesterday".
Mick replied, "Silly buggers! - the laughs on them. I wasn't home yesterday!"
"Why?" asked Paddy.
"Because", said Mick, "All the street was laughing when they saw you making love to her yesterday".
Mick replied, "Silly buggers! - the laughs on them. I wasn't home yesterday!"
Murphy's old lady had been pregnant for some time and
now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!
'Ain't dat grand,' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f”” kin' good ting we
didn't use WD-40.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!
'Ain't dat grand,' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet!'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had yourself another boy!'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?'
The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ......it's a f”” kin' good ting we
didn't use WD-40.
Murphy's babies
Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided
that was enough and as the social wouldn't buy them a
bigger bed, the husband went to his doctor and told him
that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...
This procedure also works in Birmingham, Sunderland, Aberdeen, Witney and anywhere in Wales.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...
This procedure also works in Birmingham, Sunderland, Aberdeen, Witney and anywhere in Wales.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Doctor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear .
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's much batter. How much was indare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman,
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.......
"Doctor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya wood".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.
"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. "What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more appear .
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's much batter. How much was indare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit", says the Irishman,
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.......
Paddy with botty problems
Chinese honeymoon
A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin.
Truth be told, he is not too experienced either.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked
under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you
berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want".
"What chou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and hoping to impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about... numbaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want... Chicken wiff broccori?"
On their wedding night, she cowers naked
under the sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring.
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firss time and you
berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want".
"What chou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and hoping to impress his virgin bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and
eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want to try somethin I have heard about... numbaa 69".
More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries...
"You want... Chicken wiff broccori?"
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