Jokes - elderly
Jokes - elderly
New stuff always welcome
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'In-box,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,' 'Paste' or 'Scan' her
And send her back to me.
The computer swallowed grandma.
Yes, honestly its true!
She pressed 'control' and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'
So, if inside your 'In-box,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy,' 'Paste' or 'Scan' her
And send her back to me.
Waiting in Doncaster , to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer
sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two
in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as
ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!. What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly, as it says on the road sign!
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two
in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as
ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!. What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit
exactly...Twenty-two miles an hour!" .......the old woman says a bit proudly, as it says on the road sign!
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that
A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for
pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this
car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."
Elderly lady driver
A friend, who worked away from home all
week, always made a morning available
when he would take his 7-year old
granddaughter for a drive in the car, for some
bonding time -- just him and his
granddaughter.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'
'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the car.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.
'Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?'
'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or wanker anywhere today!'
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Driving with the grand kids
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his
grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair
wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his
car phone rang.. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the
news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25.
Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
SENIOR DRIVING
Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “arsehole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I
went into town and visited a shop.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man,
how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an “arsehole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So Mary called him a “shit head”. He finished the
second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it
and went home.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.
It's important at our age.
Parking Tickets
Elderly gambler
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada
one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to
open a savings account and insisted on talking to the
president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of
money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'
Hallelujah we're cured
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a religious
healing program on tv. the evangelist called to all who
wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the tv and
the other on the body part they wanted healed.
Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip.
Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch.
Grandma looked at him with disgust. "you just don't
understand, you old coot.....the purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
Grandma hobbled to the tv and put one hand on the tv and the other on her arthritic hip.
Grandpa made his way to the set and put one hand on the tv and the other on his crotch.
Grandma looked at him with disgust. "you just don't
understand, you old coot.....the purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead."
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some
new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded
without batting an eyelid .....
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at her.
The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!
In classic style he responded
without batting an eyelid .....
"Got stoned once and had sex
with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you might be my
kid."
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