Les Lobbs Diary
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban, he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"
Maria: "Jor hozban deed."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora ....the gardener deed."
Wife: "So, how much are we talking about ??
Sun's just gone down behind the rooftops after another gorgeous day.
Dick poured the concrete yesterday and fixed the joist hangers, ready for Dave's return on Monday.
Most of the day we've been putting up shelving etc. in t'shed, so that head of distribution could move the gardening
stuff there from the summer house.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's bonnet.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing
trip with the boys.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels
every 5 minutes.
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing
board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
Drizzly day, but it didn't stop Dave and his mate. They
got the joists and noggins fitted and then cracked on
with the blocks; the high end wall has one course of
brick and the front and t'other side two courses of brick
to bring them up to finished height.
The insulation will then go in the cavity before the outer
brickwork is completed.
Head of preserves has been making
another batch of green tom chutney
(she sold some of the first lot at the mini
market last weekend) and is just putting
it in jars now.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's
field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that
duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa . We settle
small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He
agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his
heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the
farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping
his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
When Dave arrived this morning it was doubtful
whether he would get much done because of the naff
We popped over to do a couple of jobs at Ju's and
when we got back the brickwork was up to height on
the front and side wall and Dave was waiting for the
insulation to be delivered. The delivery came at 14.00
and the insulation was in place soon after so, from a
dubious start, the job has progressed well.
I decided to get myself a pet and ended up with an
I've called him "Tiny", because he's my newt.
Ahhhhhhhhhh, that's better - we're getting too used to the
fish and chip van!
Today saw the neighbour's side of the high wall
completed, along with the outside doorway. That's the
brickwork finished and the glazing chappie is coming to
measure up tomorrow; they were quoting 10 - 14 days to
build the conservatory, so on schedule so far.
The weather, although a bit drizzly at times, has not
really held up the work.
The window man arrived yesterday as promised and took
the final measurements; he arranged with Dave to
deliver the conservatory on 21st Oct. With good weather,
the bulk of the mucky work should be done by Mum's
birthday and the driveway reasonably clear.
The lawn resembled a cafe this afternoon at tea break
time, when the wife of Dave's mate brought her 12wk old
baby for a visit and met Ali outside our drive. Twas like a
summer's day, but the forecast is for cooler weather, so
we'd best make the most of it.
A smashing day with lots of sunshine, but we're
suffering for it at nights, 6 degrees in the greenhouse
Head of horticulture has been planting out pansies and
violas, and lifting any geraniums and fuchsias that are
in the way.
Jenny Craig weight loss program
A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5 kgs
weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing
before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from
J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes
and a sign around her neck..
The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few
kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to
find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 kgs programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has
ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 kgs programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing
nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'
He lost 31 kgs that week. .. ..
The windows etc should be delivered Wed (which is forecast
Dawn's had her charity head on and last evening baked an
assortment of fruit tarts for the cream tea "do" at the village
hall. They had a cake stall which was loaded with homemade
goodies and, for being left home alone, I got an apple cake.
Dawn sold a fair bit of gear and reckons it was a good turnout.
Mum has been on a "ring-n-ride" trip to Dawlish today and
really enjoyed it; I think they give them blue Smarties on the
way home, cos Mum doesn't stop talking for the first half hour
when she gets in.
We'em been making the most of the good
weather, with a ride to Teignmouth yesterday and
Burnham this morning. The trees are getting their
autumn colours now and the Exe valley looks
gorgeous in the sunshine.
A few bob was invested in the cheapy shop at
Burnham - Dawn's getting the knitting bug, so
picked up some wool while I topped the basket
up with useful tat.
Dawn cleared the decking this afternoon, so that
we can take out a fence panel to make
tomorrows delivery of the conservatory easier.
The electrician is calling this evening to see
about power in the conservatory.
B&A - tis on its way.
The conservatory was delivered yesterday morning as
promised and the assembly should start today.
With the electrician coming on Friday to do the first fix it
seems to be working out well - praps I shouldn't say that!
Mum said rather than receive gifts for her birthday she
would like people to make donations to the RNLI, so we
tootled off to the lifeboat station at Exmouth where they
gave us a collecting box. Alongside the estuary, the old
railway carriage cafe has gone and the adjoining
buildings shuttered up - rumours are that the whole area
is to be "developed" so spect that means more shiny
We've got our flu jabs this morning and then it's off to
Exeter for my pre-op at 13.30, where I'll no doubt have
to answer the same questions I was asked last time and
the time before that, while the nurse writes it all down.
What a pair of Wallies - our flu jabs are tomorrow morning!
I got in on time for my pre-op and it took about 2 hours; had the full treatment, Xrays, blood tests and ECG.
When we got home the lads were just finishing for the day; they've done well and, with tomorrow's forecast looking
ok, should be able to crack on.
Yesterday saw the roof and most of the
guttering in place; clever, but complicated
arrangement to leave the existing guttering
intact. With wind and rain expected (tis 'ere!),
it made sense to leave the glazing until it
could all be done together.
We had our flu jabs in the community hall and
Dawn did a stint on the charity stall they had
set up in the hall.
After lunch we hit Tivvy, where the market
was still buzzing with people, so we had a
cuppa and a bun and just managed to catch
the wet-fish van before he packed up. A
couple of dabs apiece went down nicely with
a salad when we got home.
Tis a bright sunny morning here.
Geppetto is churning out toys again - there's a clown
sitting on the bed watching me write this and a
couple of dolls getting new hats. Santa Claus is the
next project but, as the recipe she has is for a small
one, the pattern is getting "modified" somewhat.
Got to get my "going in" bag together later, cos there
won't be much time in the morning as I have to be on
the ward by 07.30 - twould be good to be early on his
list, but spect it'll be after lunch. I think my knee
knows what's happening, cos it gave me a right
gippy time last night!
Nipped over to Aldi this morning, to get some
plug-cutters they had on offer and came back with a
variety of nibbles and things for Mum's birthday bash.
Quite a few visitors, with Andrew and family arriving
this morning, just after Jean and Ivan, and this
afternoon Joanne and family popped in.
Mum's getting quite excited as the big day
approaches; I will be in hospital, so Dawn will take a
load of photos and I'll stick a couple on here.
Back home - ow, ow, ow, ouch, ouch, ouch; does it hurt, yup just a tad.
Mum had a fantastic day yesterday and is still buzzing, but I'm not up to hearing all about it with me "sorry for
meself" head on. Just going to drift off into a morphine trance, will write more tomorrow.
First night home is always strange after the multi-position hospital beds, but I eventually found a position and managed
to doze off. At 03.00 there was a clattering and banging from the kitchen, so I grabbed my crutches and went to
investigate - twas Mother, cutting up birthday cake!!! bless 'er.
I haven't got the full intel on the birthday bash yet, so will update this later, hopefully with pics.
Reet then, my knee! When they got it apart and started thumping it, he (the surgeon) said it was obvious that the lower
part was not fully fixed to my shin bone and this was the reason for the pain and swelling; the xrays showed no sign of
this and they would not have known without dismantling it. They took about a 1cm skim off the end of the bone and
replaced the lower part with one of a newer design, which should reduce the "play" in the joint; this will shorten my
leg but give the tendons more usable length. It was glued and screwed back together, stapled up and that was it. Just
like Lego innit!