Les Lobbs Diary
HAPPY MAY DAY
Two policemen (Constables Dave and Bob) call the station on the radio.
"Hello Sarge, we have a murder case here. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had just
"Have you arrested her?"
"Not yet Sarge, the floor is still wet."
We have trays of bedding plants laid out all over the garden to get a soaking from the forecast rain and we've not had a
drop, spose they're saving it for the bank holiday. My cousin Roger and his wife Stella are visiting us on Monday, so a
good reason for one of Dawn's cream teas and a guarantee of rain.
Dawn's truck went in for a service yesterday so we were confined to base, but managed to have a good Skype chat to
G&T on their new turbo broadband.
A local chap, who did a lot of building work for us when we had the shop here, has got us booked in to build a
conservatory in September; it will be a good time to get it completed, before the cold weather sets in.
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the
neighbours were on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep
she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain
and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered
in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will
then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.
"It just worked on me," he replied.
It's been raining overnight and on and off all day. Watering keeps stuff alive but rain really
kicks it along; there are a few pics here of Dawn's attempt to turn the garden into a plant
My cousin and his wife visited yesterday and yes, it
did rain, but we all had a good chinwag over our
cream tea and cuppa. Jean and Ivan also drove down
to see them and Mum was in her element talking
about family members.
This morning we popped over to Cully for a spot of
shopping and got the car covered in blossom; the
wind is really whistling and is forecast stronger for
this evening. It looks like the aftermath of a wedding
with cherry blossom everywhere.
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class
was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying
attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He
was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The
teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was
told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do
He did and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a
commotion at the back of the room. She went back to
investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
'private part' hanging out. 'I thought I told you to call your
mum!' she said. 'I did,' he said, 'And she told me to stick it
out until lunchtime, and then she'd come and pick me up
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently
on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even
know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled,
"Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
Brightening up again; good timing, cos Ashley's out on Dartmoor doing the Ten Tors challenge. Last year it was a 35
mile route, this year it's 45 miles and they are making good time, with no drop outs. Here's a link to the progress sheet
(Ash is in the Taunton Academy team) and to a map of Dartmoor. Progress Map
The election has been and gone - doesn't seem any different. I voted for PTO, they were at the bottom of the form, so I
felt sorry for them.
Ash completed the TenTors challenge, well in time
and with no drop-outs, so a good result; he's now
looking forward to the biggie next year - 55miles!
Since having the injection in my knee, I've been
losing movement and getting more pain, so I'm orf to
see the surgeon on Thursday; I reckon he squirted in
foam instead of WD 40.
Dawn's nursery is doing well, with trays of marigolds
flying out and bedding dahlias sold out already.
Dentist appts this morning, so need to be in Taunton
Our Heacham correspondent is failing
miserably in his search for cockles.
A penguin was driving along in his car one day when
it suddenly started making a strange noise;
fortunately there was a garage nearby, so he stopped
in to get it checked.
The mechanic said he'd look at it right away but it
might take some time, so the penguin decided to go
for a walk while he waited.
While out walking he saw a shop and treated himself
to an ice cream, which he ate while making his way
back to the garage.
The penguin walked into the workshop and when the
mechanic saw him he said "it looks like you've blown
"No no" said the embarrassed penguin as he wiped
his lips, "I've just had an ice cream".
Another scorcher after a very chilly night, with heavy rain
forecast tonight and tomorrow. Dawn has planted out the
bedding in the front garden after pulling out the pansies
and bellis daisies; always seems a shame lifting them
while they are still in flower, but the summer bedding
plants need to go in.
I've put up a few pics of Ash's TenTors team here.
Off to see the man about my knee tomorrow afternoon,
not expecting miracles!
Luverly rain, setting all Dawns planting off nicely.
Looking down the list of "inside" jobs, we decided to fit a light in the summerhouse; we've had the light, switch etc. for
yonks, but never got round to fitting it. Job went well and we now have illumination with only one fixing screw missing
from the switch; it seems to be the norm nowadays that things are either damaged or have bits missing!
I've been to see the surgeon and apologised for being a pain in the rs; he said he prefers to look at my knee as a
challenge. Any road up, he's going to open it up again and have a poke around, so they took some blood and xrays
and will be in touch.
Windy today, but dry. Just got back from Taunton, where Dawn has been planting out the borders and planters in Ju's
garden. A large part of Taunton town centre is closed for a few weeks for major bridge and road works, meaning
queues of traffic whichever way you enter. Dawn tried to cancel my phone contract at the "Three" shop where we took
out the contract - didn't want to know, go online or phone was their advice. Pointless keeping the contract with them
when we can't get a signal at home, so I tried the web site and every time I entered the word "cancel" into the web
chat there were no operators available. But I 'ad em, by just entering "hi" and waiting for the elusive operator to ask
me what I wanted.
The trays of plants are getting less and we can see parts of the decking again, but still loads left.
The difference between "Guts" and "Balls"
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the
"Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying off somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar,
slapping your wife on the bum and having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
Home alone - Mum has gone to stay with Jean and Ivan for the weekend, so we've got the place to ourselves.
I sat outside yesterday having an early morning cuppa and all I could hear were the sounds of birds singing and
horses hooves; by 10.00 this had been replaced by lawnmowers and strimmers!
Head of horticulture has sold loads of plants and the decking is now completely clear, with just a few trays under the
arbor seat. We've met some new faces browsing through the mini nursery and caught up with old friends, so it's been
good on two fronts.
Admin is still in the arms of Morpheus, but will no doubt have the day's agenda sorted out within minutes of waking.
A reet lazy day yesterday, anyone would think we were retired! Twas not a sunny day, but we still managed a barby
lunch and a couple of glasses of milk of amnesia.
We're not sure when Mum is coming back, but it could be today, so we must get on with the "when Mum's away" jobs.
Mum is usually up and about by 05.00, so it seems strange not to wake to the sound of doors closing and cups banging
Plant stocks are dwindling with just a few trays of marigolds and half a dozen delphiniums left; praps with the takings
we'll be able to afford a scrape of marg on the crust this week.
Blazing sunshine, steaks on the barby for lunch - I could get used to this.
Jean left her laptop for me to "sort out" over the weekend; I reckon every man and his dog had "had a go" at it at
sometime or other. I took it back to the original manufacturers set up, put Chrome on it and left her to fill it up with ****
Mum's back, so that's the end of sleeping in me skin and lay-ins.
We sat in the garden last evening, watching the house martins flying about catching their supper. There was a splat as
a dropping landed on the back of Dawn's chair just 2 inches from her head - obviously didn't allow for the wind!
Just been to collect another council-subsidised compost bin from Uffculme, cos ours are full. On the way, we dropped
off a few trays of plants at a friends who has a charity "do" in her garden on Saturday.