Mallard and Claret
Strawberry planter
Recycled milk bottle planter
Les Lobbs Diary
March 2015
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It's easy to knock clowns, but you try walking a mile in their shoes.
A farmer stopped by the local garage to have his pick-up truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the DIY store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 16 Mockingbird Lane?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, yank down my knickers and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Good grief love! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and give you one?'

The old lady replied, 'Put the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens.'

02/03/2015
Silverton - 07.00
Hail hammering on t'window this morning, a change from the spring-like day yesterday. First mate is still abed, so don't know what's on the agenda today.
Place the numbers 1 to 9 in the square to make all rows, columns and diagonals add up to 15
06/03/2015
Silverton - 05.00
Nowt much been 'appening of late. Had a visit to Burnham on Wednesday and, after being trailed round most of the charity shops, found a fishmonger selling herring roes; supper was roes gently fried in butter on thick white toast with loads of black pepper - stank the house out, but yummy or wot!
Yesterday was reet balmy and we had our brew sitting on t'patio in shirtsleeves, between doing odd jobs around the garden and generally pottering as us wrinklies do.
Mum's sight is getting worse, so we've got a larger (42") TV being delivered today; I'm looking forward to many happy hours setting it up, while being advised where I'm going wrong by 2 women!
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until one late evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "that will be £12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
Can you find the black and white cat searching this heap of junk?
This is my new neighbour

She's single... She lives right across the road. I can see her place from my front door.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on my door.

I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says,

"I just got home and I have this strong urge to have a good time, dance, get drunk and make love all night long. Are you busy tonight?"

I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm free, I have no plans at all!"

She said, "Great....could you look after my dog?"
Breaking news -: the inventor of the anagram has just died, may he erect a penis
08/03/2015
Silverton
What a scorching day yesterday; I decided to take my shirt off, you know, to show off my manly chest, only to discover it had dropped and was resting on my trouser belt.
The telly is set up and Mum is well 'appy; it's a smart set, but I haven't shown Mum how to use the internet part or she'll be googling and skyping all day!
It's been a bit drizzly today, so we've been pricking out some trays of lobelia and chilling out.
Just watched a brilliant programme about owls on BBC 2; there are a few good things to watch amongst the soaps and general crotte.
G&T have reached Silves and said there are some changes since our visit - Gloria, they've built a bliidy office on your pitch, not on is it!!
As their wives went into the kitchen, one old guy says
'went to a great restaurant last week - amazing food!'
'what's it called?' asks his mate
The guy struggles to remember
'what's that red flower you give someone you love?'
'carnation?'
'no, not that'
'poppy?'
'no, the one with thorns'
'oh, rose?'
'that's it!' says the guy and turning to the kitchen, shouts
'Rose! what's the name of that restaurant we went to last week?'
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12/03/2015
I took the van in for MOT and found there are a few jobs need doing. A couple of bearings need renewing, but the worst is the rear off side wheel arch, which needs the inner panel replacing; a tricky welding job with all the pipework and cabling directly behind it. We're in no rush, so have left it at the workshop; it's just frustrating having to pay someone to do something that I'd have done myself a few years back.
It's a bit overcast today, but not too cold, so we've been working in the garage and greenhouse.
Found the cat yet?
15/03/2015
I got a phone message at 05.30 from Julie; she had driven herself to hospital because of severe stomach pains, similar to when she had the gall bladder problem. They've diagnosed it as pancreatitis and it looks as though she will be kept in for 3 or 4 days. After lunch we drove to Taunton and took Steve and the boys to see her, and get her car back home; Dawn also got the boy's school stuff ready for tomorrow and did the ironing.
Latest project in t'garage is a planter using 2 ltr milk bottles - there will be a frame with 3 rows of 7 bottles and, when filled with dangling plants, should look quite good (it better!!) - pic to follow.
Andrew's just made me envious, here is his first catch of the season from Kennick reservoir; largest is 5lb 7oz!
The latest two projects. Strawberry planter and milk bottle planter for dangly bedding plants.
Man goes to the doctor having excessive flatulence with a difference, as he breaks wind the sound made is "Honda". The doctor is amazed and calls a colleague in, the man breaks wind again, "Honda". They examine him and cannot find a problem, so they suggest alternative medicine with a Chinese doctor next door.

They go next door and the man breaks wind in front of the doctor, "Honda". The Chinese doctor immediately said you have abscess in rectum, they re-examine him and find the abscess; amazed the man asked how he knew, the doctor said, old Chinese proverb.

Abscess makes the fart go Honda.
16/03/2015
Silverton
We got the "milk bottle planter" put together today, after visiting Andrew in Exeter to collect some more mushroom trays. The latest idea is to fill it with trailing lobelia and it should make a wall of colour, well that's t'plan!
Julie has had lots of tests and is due for an MRI tomorrow; if all is clear she could be home tomorrow or Wednesday.

I hear there is a solar eclipse due on Friday, shame it's at 9.30am (too early for Ann & Barry to see).
20/03/2015
Silverton
We had a ride down to "Tres, Pols and Pens" country yesterday, to visit friends who have moved to a small village near Bodmin. Stunning old granite house with a fair chunk of land and a stream at the bottom of the garden - purfik! Tis a while since we've been that way, so we looked in on Colliford reservoir where I've spent many happy days fishing; the toilet block and fishing lodge are now all barred and shuttered because of vandalism, what's wrong wi folks today.
The weather kept fine and it was a really enjoyable day, just got the fishing bug itching again.
We've had a couple of frosty mornings, but fortunately no damage to the plants we have outside.
22/03/2015
Silverton
Spring is here and very good it is too! The eclipse was a bit of a non event with just a glimpse through the clouds, but bugger it got cold.
My horticultural advisor is pricking out bedding plants at an alarming rate, but still finding space to squeeze in a few more trays. Cherries and forsythias are flowering and brightening everywhere up.
Julie got the all clear and is home again, so tomorrow we'll have a trip to see her and collect the van on the way back after it's MOT and repairs, the drive looks bare without it!
An elderly gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember,
if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me ----------

your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
24/03/2015
11.00 - Glorious sunshine, whoopeee!
Got the van back yesterday, just managed without taking out another mortgage; it's running sweet and Dawn is "having a go" at the exterior this morning.
We've just taken Mum into Exeter to change some jigsaw puzzles. Stopped at the lights in Exeter, I saw a sign in a cafe window saying boiled eggs and bread, as many as you can eat for £3.95. Below it said "Take the eggs to our self service bar and cook them yourself, the way you like them"; Dawn said "bugger that for a game of soldiers!!"
Knock knock

Who's there ?

The undertaker -- bet you're glad I checked !
Knock knock

Who's there?

The Police

The Police who?

Just put the can of beer on the floor and step out of the car, please sir!
A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself.
He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank God for mobile phones!).
'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'
'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically, once it's collected two gallons.
Have a nice day" .....
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27/03/2015
A couple of days work and we've now got a tap next to the greenhouse; I teed a pipe off the feed to the outside tap and routed it across the passage, through the garage and behind the decking, to the end of the summer house. Of course it's been raining on and off ever since! The pipes are concreted in across the passageway by extending the step and this means stepping over it until it goes off.
With all the upheaval in the garage, it gave admin a chance to re-merchandise the place, so spect there'll be a bit of cussing until I find where everything is.
28/03/2015
Over the last few days we've been trying to decide what we are going to do and, with Mum needing more attention, have finally accepted that the van has got to go. We are just not going to get enough use out of it to have it ageing away on the drive. The options will be there when we are on our own again, so we can get another van then, if that's what we want. Now comes the fun bit - dealing with all the time wasters on ebay and gumtree, but first I've got to sort out some pics.
29/03/2015
The first mate woke up a year older today - she doesn't look it.
Ivan and Jean are having lunch with us here, praps a good job cos we can't do much outside; it's wet and windy, and a tad chilly.
A man turns up in A&E with a broken nose and 2 black eyes "what happened?" asked the nurse.
"Well, I was playing golf with my wife and a couple of friends, when she sliced her ball into a field full of cows, so we all went to look for it and after a while I spotted something sticking out of a cow's rear end. Then I lifted up the cows tail and there was the ball, jammed in!"
"That's when I shouted to my wife - oi sweetheart, this looks like yours"
31/03/2015
Head of maintenance looked out the kitchen window this morning and swore, still I spose she's allowed to, at her advanced age. A post had broken in the overnight winds and one fence panel was completely smashed, with another just hanging on by a couple of nails. It is the low fence along the drive and the old lump of post came out fairly cleanly, after herself worried it awhile. Tis wrinkly day at B&Q tomorrow, so we're taking the van to get new panels and post and should be able to get them fixed in place - if this bliddy wind drops!!
My mates girlfriend is a porn star --- she'll be furious when she finds out!