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Les Lobbs Diary
April 2015
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Wee Tommy was a young boy, just potty trained. When he went to the bathroom, he hit everything but the toilet. So Mum had to go in and clean up after him.

Two weeks later, she has had enough and takes Wee Tommy to the doctor.

After the examination, the Doctor said; "Well, his willy is too small. An old wives tale was to give him two slices of toast each morning, and it will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

Next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran down to the kitchen.

On the table are 12 slices of toast. "MUM," Tommy yelled, "the Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!"

"I know," smiled his Mum, "The other 10 are for your father."
01/04/2015
Still windy, so we fetched the fence panels but will wait for better weather before putting them in place. We came home via Tivvy and called in for a breakfast at the cafe in the market. They are suffering because the main drag in Tivvy has been closed for over a month and the work is only half finished.
I've used this before, but it's one of my favourites
02/04/2015
Wind's calmed down now, so praps have a go at the fence tomorrow. Today we visited Julie & Steve and then went onto The Maypole at Thurloxton, where we met friends Penny & Ron for a chat over lunch. We've had some good meals there in the past, but after today's offering I don't think we'll be rushing back.
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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The
dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself-Whap! against the door. He does this again & again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key"
07/04/2015
Wall to wall sunshine - cos we're worf it!!
Went to see Ju this morning to do a spot of ironing and put a few plants in their back garden. Ju's still very sore and gets tired easily; the results from her last test should arrive soon and then they can hopefully sort her out.
Head of decking and decorating has finished treating the summer house, which was started last year and given the decking a coat of liquid gold - might as well have been at that price! The gardens are looking good, but we've now got to find space for all the plants I've got in the green house.
To give us a bit more living space, we've had a chap round to give us a quote for a conservatory, which will mean altering the back garden layout a bit.
Admin's going for a haircut tomorrow morning; she's now trying to get her hair clear of decking paint.
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14/04/2015
Job's dun - I've put the van on ebay!
We've been having a clear out of vanning and boating gear and donated a load to Nigel and Eileen, bless um! We met them, and Barrie, at Sand Bay Point NT car park, nr Weston Super Mud and were treated to bacon butties and a cuppa. It was a grey drive up there, but changed to blazing sun at lunch time and we've made the most of it in t'garden.
G&T - are our euro guides of any use to you?
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
INVITATION
If you can't come let me know.
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
Chicken goes into a library and says "bukk!"
Surprised librarian hands it a book, chicken tucks it under a wing and walks out.
Next day, the chicken is back "bukk bukk!" It says. Librarian hands it 2 books and off it goes.
The day after... "Bukk bukk bukk!" Determined to get to the bottom of this, the librarian follows the chicken down the road to the local park. On an island in the pond is a frog. The chicken throws it a book and shouts "bukk!". The frog picks it up, looks at the cover, tosses it in the pond and says...

"Reddit"
17/04/2015
Busy, busy day - well it was for us! We changed the greenhouse over from flower mode to eatables mode and have got trays and pots of flowers scattered throughout the garden; I wouldn't be surprised to see a forecast of minus 6 next week.
No buyer for the van yet, but tis early days.
Dawn has got a another stall at the village hall tomorrow, for the same local charity as last time; I've made a wooden planter for her to raffle off as well as her knitted/crotcheted gear. It's an afternoon do this time with cream teas (Barry, eat yer heart out!!)
23/04/2015
Looks as though our mini heatwave is coming to an end, but twas good while it lasted.
We had a ride over to Barnstaple Monday to meet up with Marie, who is here on a flying visit from France. Over coffee and paninis, we caught up on all the gossip about the friends in France where we used to live.
The greenhouse is even emptier now that we've started planting out the hanging baskets - it's too hot in there for seedlings, so we hoike them out in the morning and put them back in the evening. Andrew has asked Dawn to "do" the hanging baskets outside his restaurant in Exeter and says he'll do us a deal on pasties!
I went to hospital Tuesday for an ultra sound scan on my bliddy knee; seems the metal is rubbing on bone and that's giving me the gip I've been having. He poked a needle in, guided by the display, and gave me an injection, which has certainly reduced the pain.
Off t'shops soon, when admin stops sending up Zzzzzzzzs.
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke.
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
"Sure", says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing".
"Ok I will", says the other as he rubs the lamp, a genie appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says " I want a Million Bucks". The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head.
And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that ice cream van hadn't come along."
26/04/2015
Overnight, we've had a fair drop of rain - couldn't get to sleep for all the plants going "Ahhhhh".
Now all the baskets are planted out and the decking looks like a plant nursery with its covering of seed trays. As you would expect from Murphy's law, there are low temperatures forecast for tonight and Monday night; only means putting the baskets in the garage and covering the seed trays, but we could have done without it.
While we were having a well earned Guinness t'other evening in the garden, we noticed the first of this year's house martins catching flies and seemingly, just enjoying life.
Timely reminder

Madeline was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Madeline's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Madeline's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize": they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
A little girl goes to the barber's shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber's chair eating a cake, while her dad gets his hair cut.
The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'