Les Lobbs Diary
Wee Tommy was a young boy, just potty trained. When
he went to the bathroom, he hit everything but the toilet.
So Mum had to go in and clean up after him.
Two weeks later, she has had enough and takes Wee
Tommy to the doctor.
After the examination, the Doctor said; "Well, his willy is
too small. An old wives tale was to give him two slices of
toast each morning, and it will grow so he can hold it and
Next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran down to
On the table are 12 slices of toast. "MUM," Tommy yelled,
"the Doc said I only had to eat 2 slices!"
"I know," smiled his Mum, "The other 10 are for your
Still windy, so we fetched the fence panels but
will wait for better weather before putting them in
place. We came home via Tivvy and called in for
a breakfast at the cafe in the market. They are
suffering because the main drag in Tivvy has been
closed for over a month and the work is only half
I've used this before, but it's one of my favourites
Wind's calmed down now, so praps have a go at the
fence tomorrow. Today we visited Julie & Steve and
then went onto The Maypole at Thurloxton, where we
met friends Penny & Ron for a chat over lunch. We've
had some good meals there in the past, but after
today's offering I don't think we'll be rushing back.
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees £10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "10 lamb chops, please."
Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop.
He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The
dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the
number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After a while he
stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, and then the butcher follows him off.
The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He barks repeatedly. No answer.
He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself-Whap! against the door. He does this again & again.
No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the
Eventually, a small guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up screams at the guy:
"What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!"
The owner responds, "Genius, my arse. It's the second time this week he's forgotten his key"
Wall to wall sunshine - cos we're worf it!!
Went to see Ju this morning to do a spot of ironing
and put a few plants in their back garden. Ju's still
very sore and gets tired easily; the results from her
last test should arrive soon and then they can
hopefully sort her out.
Head of decking and decorating has finished
treating the summer house, which was started last
year and given the decking a coat of liquid gold -
might as well have been at that price! The gardens
are looking good, but we've now got to find space
for all the plants I've got in the green house.
To give us a bit more living space, we've had a
chap round to give us a quote for a conservatory,
which will mean altering the back garden layout a
Admin's going for a haircut tomorrow morning;
she's now trying to get her hair clear of decking
Job's dun - I've put the van on ebay!
We've been having a clear out of vanning and boating
gear and donated a load to Nigel and Eileen, bless um!
We met them, and Barrie, at Sand Bay Point NT car
park, nr Weston Super Mud and were treated to bacon
butties and a cuppa. It was a grey drive up there, but
changed to blazing sun at lunch time and we've made
the most of it in t'garden.
G&T - are our euro guides of any use to you?
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm.
If you can't come let me know.
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some
grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It's really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious
apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."
Chicken goes into a library and says "bukk!"
Surprised librarian hands it a book, chicken tucks it
under a wing and walks out.
Next day, the chicken is back "bukk bukk!" It says.
Librarian hands it 2 books and off it goes.
The day after... "Bukk bukk bukk!" Determined to get
to the bottom of this, the librarian follows the chicken
down the road to the local park. On an island in the
pond is a frog. The chicken throws it a book and
shouts "bukk!". The frog picks it up, looks at the cover,
tosses it in the pond and says...
Busy, busy day - well it was for us! We changed the
greenhouse over from flower mode to eatables mode
and have got trays and pots of flowers scattered
throughout the garden; I wouldn't be surprised to see a
forecast of minus 6 next week.
No buyer for the van yet, but tis early days.
Dawn has got a another stall at the village hall
tomorrow, for the same local charity as last time; I've
made a wooden planter for her to raffle off as well as
her knitted/crotcheted gear. It's an afternoon do this
time with cream teas (Barry, eat yer heart out!!)
Looks as though our mini heatwave is coming to an end,
but twas good while it lasted.
We had a ride over to Barnstaple Monday to meet up with
Marie, who is here on a flying visit from France. Over
coffee and paninis, we caught up on all the gossip about
the friends in France where we used to live.
The greenhouse is even emptier now that we've started
planting out the hanging baskets - it's too hot in there for
seedlings, so we hoike them out in the morning and put
them back in the evening. Andrew has asked Dawn to "do"
the hanging baskets outside his restaurant in Exeter and
says he'll do us a deal on pasties!
I went to hospital Tuesday for an ultra sound scan on my
bliddy knee; seems the metal is rubbing on bone and
that's giving me the gip I've been having. He poked a
needle in, guided by the display, and gave me an
injection, which has certainly reduced the pain.
Off t'shops soon, when admin stops sending up Zzzzzzzzs.
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.
He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch
long BIC lighter.
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The
guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? "
"Sure", says the other man "Just make sure that you
speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing".
"Ok I will", says the other as he rubs the lamp, a genie
appears and asks the man what he wants.
The man says " I want a Million Bucks". The genie says
OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a
million ducks fly over head.
And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks
at hearing doesn't he?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I
asked for a 10 inch BIC"
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed
away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to
visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When
she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother
replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love
on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother
that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely
be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny.
"Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured
out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out
on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and
continued, "He'd still be alive if that ice cream van hadn't
Overnight, we've had a fair drop of rain - couldn't get to
sleep for all the plants going "Ahhhhh".
Now all the baskets are planted out and the decking
looks like a plant nursery with its covering of seed
trays. As you would expect from Murphy's law, there
are low temperatures forecast for tonight and Monday
night; only means putting the baskets in the garage and
covering the seed trays, but we could have done
While we were having a well earned Guinness t'other
evening in the garden, we noticed the first of this year's
house martins catching flies and seemingly, just
Madeline was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the
eggs.She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time,
so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a
distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening
to the bells.
Madeline's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't
rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets
hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Madeline's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation
among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize": they also awarded him the
"Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best
at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
A little girl goes to the barber's shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber's chair eating a cake, while her dad gets his hair cut.
The barber says to her, 'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..'
She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'