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Les Lobbs Diary
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May 2014
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01/05/2014
Taunton
Happy May Day!
What fun things have we got planned for today - ah yes I remember, physio.
The peacocks are really giving it some welly this morning and with the cockerels "doodle doing" in the background and the guinea fowl buzzing away, there's no chance of over sleeping.
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02/05/2014
Taunton
I rang the physio yesterday and he advised me not to go in, but continue gentle exercises until the swelling has lessened.
Today Steve collected the van for us after the work was completed and we are now settling in again. Dawn is shuttling "stuff" back from the static and hiding it in lockers where we'll no doubt find it in months to come.
Good to be back in my own bed again!!
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We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening.
We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the back garden.
We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.
My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night.
So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the back garden!
..............She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"
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04/05/2014
Taunton
The van is levelled up now, after a bit of jiggling with the ramps; trying to get the wedges in place with my crutches while Dawn held it on the ramps was a bit like eating spaghetti with chopsticks.
It's been a warm sunny day, with more of the same tomorrow, we hope!
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw".
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05/05/2014
Taunton
Dawn's at Julie's this afternoon, looking after Alex (and doing the ironing no doubt) cos they're both at work today. The weather's still good, with a little more cloud than yesterday and a slight breeze.
I took the bandage off my leg today, now that the swelling is not so bad, and have started on the exercises again - gently!
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Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact with women?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
07/05/2014
Taunton
07.30 - Sun's got his hat on already, so praps we'll have a drive out somewhere when management gets back; she's taking Alex to school this morning.
I'm getting more movement in my knee now, but it's a fine line between over-exercising and getting another bleed, or not exercising enough and letting scar tissue bung up the joint.
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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!
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09/05/2014
Taunton
Mum has been worrying because I haven't been to see her for a while (riding in the car is not easy for my leg), so yesterday my driver took me there. Last night I lay in bed reading and bang, I got another bleed in my knee - tis a bugger innit!
Sun and showers this morning, might get better later.
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I looked out the window and saw this "thing" go hurtling past.
A few seconds later another "thing" went flying by.
I thought ---- "It's just one thing after another"
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10/05/2014
Taunton
07.30 - It's a sunny start here and we're hoping it's the same on Dartmoor, where Ashley is doing the Ten Tors this weekend; the forecast doesn't look very 'ansom, but they're geared up for naff weather. According to our roving correspondent, the weather in Heacham (Norfolk's answer to St Tropez) is a bit wet & windy as well.
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11/05/2014
Taunton
06.00 - We heard from Mission Control, via Julie, that Ashley's team have logged six Tors and were just short of the seventh last night. That should mean they spent the night in a valley, sheltered from the worst of the wind. One of their team had to drop out early on when he lost the sole off his boot, but the team are still making good time. Phones are not allowed, so we don't know how they are feeling, but with six Tors under their belt I should imagine they are quite confident. The weather up there today should be slightly better than yesterday.
The wind has dropped a bit here, but we still keep getting squally showers and now the sun is peeping out - what a mixture.
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17.00 - Just heard that Ash's team crossed the finish line at 16.15.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
Fill in the blanks to make two synonyms.
The words spiral around the circle, one reading clockwise, the other reading anti clockwise.
A man got on a plane and sat next to a blonde; after sitting for a while, she sneezed, gasped and shook all over.
The man, not knowing her, said nothing and went about his business.
After about 3 or 4 minutes she sneezed again and the same thing, gasped and shook all over!
This happened three or four times, before finally the man got up the nerve and asked her what was wrong.
She said that every time she sneezed, she had an orgasm!
Oh! The man said, are you taking anything for it?
Yes she said ---- pepper!!!
14/05/2014
Taunton
Sun's breaking through the trees, looks like it's going to be a good un!
Because of the problems I've got with my knee, we've reluctantly realised we are going to have to stop roaming; so we are going to put the van and boat up for sale and move into our bungalow with my Mum.
If/when I ever get my leg sorted we'll look for a smaller van, that Dawn feels more confident driving.
So if anyone fancies a life of summer on the canals and winter in the sun give me a shout.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
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On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysili ogogoch, in Anglesey they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the blonde waitress,
'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly please?'
The girl leaned over and said, ----- 'Burrr --- gurrr --- king'
15/05/2014
Taunton
Yet another sunny start, soon be able to take one of my vests off at this rate.
Management has been clearing out lockers and I darsnt take my eyes off her, or some useful treasure will end up in a black bag and be gone forever.
I've got a hospital appt at four o clock in Exeter; couldn't pick a worse time for traffic, but got no choice if I want to see the main man. As I'm a passenger, I can make myself useful by offering advice, such as "we should have turned left back there" and explaining that the bus driver is not being friendly and waving to us, we're blocking his bus lane.
I've just put together a few of the Ten Tors pictures www.cdlextra.co.uk/tentors2014
16/05/2014
Taunton
More bliddy sunshine; wot's the country coming to?
We got through the Exeter traffic better than expected yesterday - with my help of course - and I left hospital minus another armful of blood; they say it's for tests, but black pudding seems to be getting more popular down here.
Off to see Mum this morning and then we're thinking of going up to Stafford at the weekend, to start sorting the boat out and taking off our gear, prior to putting it on t'market. Head of logistics reckons I've got at least a Transit load of tools to bring home; she goes quiet though when I ask how many shoes there are!
My friend's wife had a baby two years after he had the snip.
It turned out to be a grudge pregnancy -
Somebody had it in for him.
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17/05/2014
Taunton
Well the Stafford trips orf; I've got vertigo now and can't lay my head on the side or the world goes spinning. Doc has a procedure to help it, but that involves sitting upright on a couch and then falling quickly backwards while the doc holds my head; my back won't let me do that, so hoping it clears up on its own.
Dawn has taken a load of gear from the van to Mum's and shifted stuff around, ready for our move over there in a couple of weeks.
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19/05/2014
Taunton
Last day of sunshine for a while - if you believe the forecasters!
We paid Mum a surprise visit this morning and found her in good spirits, planning for a couple of week's time, when we move in.
There is a robin on the site here, who takes our open van door as an invitation to hop in and have a peck at the doormat.
Admin has nearly finished going through the lockers and occasionally finds something that I half recognise, but for the life of me can't think what it is, or what it does.
Last evening a hired camper came in and I got chatting to them (as I do!); they were two sisters and their niece on holiday from New Zealand. The daily mileage they are clocking up is awesome; in a week they have covered from Norfolk down to Kent, along the south coast to Cornwall and up to Somerset last night, calling in at places of interest on the way. Wales is next on their route with Ireland a possibility and then up to Scotland, before having a week with relatives in Yorkshire.
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Fill in the blanks to make two antonyms.
The words spiral around the circle, one reading clockwise, the other reading anti clockwise.
Try these breakfast cup cakes
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: 'Pint please, and one for the road'.
21/05/2014
Taunton
Rained a lot yesterday, but now the sun is back.
I'm home alone this morning, while the head gardener is putting the last of the plants in at Mum's and filing away our clothes in the wardrobe that Mum has emptied for us - I've only got a Lidl bag full!
How did the trip oop norf go B&A?
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After a visit to a local farm, the teacher asked the children what sounds they heard on the farm:-
Mary said "Moo Moo", Billy said "Quack Quack",
Joan said "Baaa Baaa" and another said "Neigh Neigh".
The teacher looked at little Jimmy and said
"what sound do you remember most?"
Little Jimmy said "Get off that f***ing tractor".
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23/05/2014
Taunton
Wet and sunny.
Paul called in on his way to North Devon and had a bite of lunch and a chat before continuing his journey. Alex has given me his old Samsung phone and I've spent a few hours sorting it, prior to making an external aerial for it. The bungalow is just on the edge of the 3G signal area, so I'm hoping, if I mount it in the loft, the ext aerial will enable me to get reception for my wifi hotspot. No weather report from Heacham yet.
Make sure when you grow old, you have memories, not regrets.
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Last night in the pub, I was telling a girl about my uncanny ability to guess what day a woman was born on, just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said "go on then, try it with mine". Well after about 30 seconds of intense fondling and tweaking she became a little impatient. "Come on then, what day was I born?"...... "You were obviously born yesterday sweetheart"
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement, and showing the courtesies that protocol decrees (gin and tonic with cucumber sandwiches), the retiring colonel said, "You really must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned & introduced to the new CO, who was shocked to see a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, standing less than three feet tall.
The retiring Colonel said "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the boxing Olympics. I have researched the history of --"
Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, yes; never mind that, Smithers; the new CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you called the witch doctor a twat."
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Starting at one of the corner squares, what nine-letter word can be formed by spiralling clockwise around the perimeter and finishing at the centre square?
(You must provide the missing letters)
A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,

"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".

"Why do you think that ?" he said.

"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says

"stit ruoy su wohs".
25/05/2014
Taunton
Smisty here.
The geese have just decided to hold a committee meeting outside our van, bless um.
Good to see more vans on the move down here and with the forecast looking brighter, they might even be able to get their chairs out!
Had a good chat with Gloria t'other evening, they're using their van a bit now.
There was this Scottish painter who believed in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

The local Church decided to do a big restoration job on one of their biggest buildings. Jock put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine!

Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly, there was a loud clap of thunder, the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Jock clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! Repaint! Go forth and thin no more!"
Fill in the blanks to make two synonyms.
The words spiral around the circle, one reading clockwise, the other reading anti clockwise.
26/05/2014
Taunton
A funny sort of day; a drop of sun, then cloudy and now it's as black as a witch's hat (you wondered what I was going to say didn't you?).
This morning we had a ride over to a small village near here, to have a look at an outboard that was for sale; twas for Andrew, not us! It looked good for t'money, so head of finance parted with the cash and tomorrow we'll drop it in to Andrew at Exeter. It's good timing cos A's got some peeled bunnies and a few trout for us.
The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. "What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an E-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home -- and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here, Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation; I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation ---
--- she never got your E-mail!"
Meanwhile, somewhere in Ireland -----
TODAY IS THE OLDEST YOU'VE EVER BEEN, YET THE YOUNGEST YOU'LL EVER BE,
What number should logically replace the question mark?
SO ENJOY THIS DAY WHILE IT LASTS.
12, 33, 66, 132, 363, ?
29/05/2014
Taunton
Grey miserable morning here and it doesn't look like improving. We are hoping for dry weather on Saturday, because Dawn has got a stall at a local sale, to hopefully sell some of her handiwork.
Bunny number one is in the slow cookpot with onions, garlic etc; smelling good already, but it can burble away till tomorrow lunchtime. Trout number one was cooked yesterday and chef is doing it cold with a salad for today.
SMART AR$E ANSWER
A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.
Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived.
The policeman got out of his car and sauntered over to the truck's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, hey?"
The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel!"