The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
Les Lobbs Diary
June 2014
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Regrettably I've got to change this description, because we are going to stop our roaming until I get mobile again. This means selling the van and boat and living back in our bungalow with Mum; we hope, in the future, to buy a smaller van that Dawn feels happy driving. I'm going to keep the diary going for now, but it will be more jokes and puzzles and less travel news.
Because of changes, I've altered the year page wording - copy below :-
01/06/2014
Taunton
The wabbit stew was very tasty and reminded us of when we were at a restaurant in Malta. I was going to order rabbit, when a local chap asked me how many rabbits I had seen on the island; I hadn't seen any. He then asked how many cats I had seen!
Dawn had a fair day at the craft sale yesterday, selling cushions, dolls and blankets etc; the weather stayed dry which was good, as it was an outdoor event. My reward for being home-alone was a gurt big homemade coffee sponge.
What number should logically replace the question mark?
Fill in the blanks to make two antonyms.
The words spiral around the circle, one
reading clockwise, the other reading
anti clockwise.
A man sends a text to his neighbour:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around; in fact more than you.

I can't get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damned autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
26, 34, 41, 46, 56, ?
03/06/2014
Taunton
04.00 - Tis dark!
Big day today; we're taking the last of our gear to the bungalow and sleeping there tonight. We ordered a new summerhouse for the garden yesterday, as the one that's there is about to collapse; it cost half as much as our first house!! Now we have to take the old one down and get a base laid for mid July, when they will deliver the new one.
15.00 - We'em 'ere!
Yup, we trundled down the motorway with the poor little car loaded with a 4' mattress and umpteen bags. Management has got us settled in, but has lost her glasses in the process.
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04/06/2014
Silverton
Cor ain't it quiet, sleeping indoors; no peacocks hollering, or bonking pigeons on the van roof! There's a gentle rain at the moment, so no gardening yet.
Just set up water & electric accounts, very efficient they were too.
I'm taking up meditation - well it's better than sitting around doing nothing!
A very pretty young speech therapist in Edinburgh was getting nowhere with her "Stammerers Action Group".
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. No-one was improving.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me, without stuttering, the name of the town where you were born I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So,who wants to go first?"
The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham." "That's no use, Trevor," said the speech therapist.
"Who's next?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out
"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley". "That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish."

"How about you, Paddy?" The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out "London". "Brilliant, Paddy!" said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
05/06/2014
Silverton
18.00 - Just got back from the hospital, after winding our way through the Exeter traffic. They took more blood, cos they have found signs of infection in my knee and they want to be sure of what they're up against, before they decide what to do; it's not a type of infection they can just give antibiotics for. We go back next week for the verdict!
Head of admin plans to take us up to the boat Sat morn and then we have a few days sorting out to do, before getting the brokers to put it on the market for us.
The Grim Reaper came for me last night, but I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
07/06/2014
Gt Haywood
08.00 - Head of transport got us up to the boat by 05.35, in dry weather; now it knows we're here it's fundering and p***ing it down - no wonder they call it wet & windy Staffs.
We should be able to get our stuff off the boat over the weekend and get the brokers to put it up for sale next week. Another chapter of our lives over, but plenty more to come, I hope!
08/06/2014
Gt Haywood
Sunny with a breeze, a big change from yesterday.
We are now doing all the little jobs that we never got round to, but always meant to.
I've been trying to think of a way of describing Dawn clearing the boat; "dose of salts" just about covers it. I'm sure the bins here are full of items that would have come in handy one day, but they were bagged and binned before I could even say goodbye to them, sob. The brokers are on the ball and the paperwork is done; photos next week and jobs a good 'un. Admin has just gone to the marina office to hand in our notice on the mooring.
Now we're back on board it's hard to realise it's probably for the last time, but she's done us proud over the years and we've got loads of memories and friends we wouldn't have had without her - where's me bliddy hanky.

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off your bum!!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of boxers out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?' She replied with a snicker...'It's not talcum powder......It's Miracle Grow'.
09/06/2014
Gt Haywood
05.00 - It sounds OK outside, so we should be able to get the boat washed down this morning, before Paul comes at lunchtime. He has kindly offered to store a few boxes of gear at his house and drop them off for us next time he comes our way; our wee car is full! A voice from t'other end of boat has just shouted "wanna cup of tea?", silly question really - good to see all those years of crew training have been worthwhile.
10/06/2014
Silverton
We left Gt Haywood just as Dawn was breaking and, apart from the bl***y roadworks, had a good journey home.
Paul took the rest of our boxes yesterday and we had a good "catch up" chat over lunch. The rest of the day was spent cleaning and polishing the boat and head of housekeeping was cream crackered at the end of it.
The gear we brought back with us in the car is now being squeezed into the garage.
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Fill in the blanks to make two antonyms. The words spiral around the circle, one reading clockwise, the other reading anti clockwise.
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12/06/2014
Silverton
Head of demolition attacked the summerhouse this morning and, after emptying it, has taken off all the internal hardboard panelling and insulation. It looks as if it was built in sections, so we should be able to take it down fairly easily after the roof is off.
I went to t'hospital this afternoon for the results of last week's blood tests and, although there is still slight infection, it's not bad enough to open it up again. I'm going to start a new physio course at Exeter which will include hydro therapy, so got to fish out my water wings (Dawn's going to crotchet me a cozzy).
Two young boys walked into a chemist's one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
Fill in the blanks to make two synonyms of GRACEFUL

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14/06/2014
Silverton
06.00 - Weather was cracking yesterday and it looks as though there's more to come.
Summerhouse - The electrics are disconnected, the glass is out and the roof is off; we'll have a go at it with the sabre saw today and cut it into chunks that will fit inside the car.
12.00 - Change of plan; Mum's having trouble seeing her TV, so we've been to get ours (bigger screen) out of storage and have just fitted it up for her. Too hot for shed sawing now, so we're chilling instead!
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Find the starting point and spell out two words that are antonyms reading clockwise. Each word starts in a different circle and all letters in a word are consecutive.
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17/06/2014
Silverton
The summerhouse is now in bits on the lawn and head of recycling is salvaging any useful timber, before we take the rest to the tip. Sabre saws certainly make short work of jobs like this and we managed to take it down quite easily, by cutting it into sections and leaving the bolted corners intact (the bolts were rusted up).
We've ordered the aggregate and cement for delivery in jumbo bags this morning and found a place in Tivvy to hire a mixer from next week.
If "9 L of a C" is Nine Lives of a Cat, what is represented by "60 D in EA of an ET"?
19/06/2014
Silverton
Aggregate and cement are here, mixer being delivered Friday (£26 per week, delivered and collected!). This morning we are marking out, levelling and shuttering and Steve is coming Monday morning to help with the concreting.
21/06/2014
Silverton
Job's a good un!! Shuttering is done, mixer's here, all we need now is fine weather for Monday and it looks as though it's going to be too hot. We're off to Tivvy this morning and will buy a cheap tarp to cover the finished concrete, or tis going to crack like mad in this heat. We can spray it to stop it drying too fast.
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FFTB are the initials of the phrase "fortune favours the brave".
What phrase has the initial letters UWSDWF?
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
24/06/2014
Silverton
We now have a concrete base thanks to Steve and Rob, who helped head of levelling and tamping yesterday morning. There is still enough stuff left to lay footings for a planned raised bed, so we may do that before the mixer is collected on Friday. Docs this morning, then over to Tivvy to get a couple of compost bins from the council depot.

25/06/2014
Silverton
Yesterday afternoon we watched fousands of house martins catching flying ants, as 2 nests in the garden erupted with them. The sparrows were a bit more canny, they stood near the nest and caught them before they got airborne. It must be a welcome bonus when they have young to feed.
Our foundations manageress has made channels across the lawn, to take the footings for the raised bed; blocks and sand being delivered tomorrow.
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea.
He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked,
'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?'
The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..'

So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again..
'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'

The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again.
'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.'
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.

The weatherman replied,
'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy,
and that's always a sure sign.'
26/06/2014
Silverton
Blocks and sand delivered, footings in, and then it poured down - purfik timing. You could almost hear the garden go ahhhhhhhhhhhh as the rain started!
We've just fetched the compost bins and we had to squeeze them up to get them in Dawn's truck, or Fiesta as it's better known.
I've put the van on auction with ebay this morning, cos we've had very little interest in it elsewhere.
27/06/2014
Silverton
I should have put the van on fleabay sooner; quite a bit of genuine interest and no scammers so far.
Mum's going to Jean & Ivan's for the weekend, while we get on with the garden - weather permitting! After yesterday's rain, everything is looking good and the lawn is turning back to green.
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29/06/2014
Silverton
Dawn's been doing wonders with the front and back gardens and has had lots of good comments from neighbours and passersby. We got the blocks spaced out and lines in place for the back wall of the raised bed, but have held back on mortaring them in, because of the heavy showers; the forecast is good for tomorrow, so we should be able to crack on then.
30/06/2014
Silverton
We decided to get some blocks laid before the sun got too hot - 2 mixes done and me backs packed in; bliddy bodies should come with a lifetime g/tee. Head of pointing and mixer cleaning is busying herself tidying the joints up; woe betide her if she knocks them out of level! (just saying, I'm frit of her really)