Les Lobbs Diary
October 2013
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Paddy said to Mick "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow".
Mick says "I had that done when I was just a few days old".
Paddy asks "Does it hurt?"
Mick says "Well I couldn't walk for 18 months"
Gt Haywood
A steady run back to the marina this morning in a brisk breeze; we were going in the right direction as there were queues going the other way at the locks. We are calling it a day for this year and the lines are now soaking in a bio powder solution, in an attempt to get them flexible again before next season.
The totals for this season are 836 miles, 578 locks and 619.5 litres of diesel.
This afternoon we changed engine and gearbox oil and filters while we still had dry weather; will do the fuel filters next spring before we set off.
Gt Haywood
06.00 - Sounds as though we timed it right for doing the engine work, cos it's hammering down on the roof now; that's put the kibosh on the painting we had planned for today.
19.00 - We had a dry enough spell to get the remainder of the engine bay painted, where the old batteries had been. It started raining a couple of hours ago and doesn't look like letting up anytime soon. G&T are visiting tomorrow, so it will be good to catch up with their news, because we missed seeing them last winter due to my knee op.
Gt Haywood
We've had a reet good day today. Trevor and Glenda arrived mid morning and, apart from eating lunch, we chatted away till gone five; can't beat it, good company and summat to eat. If we can time it right, we're going to call in on them at Chateau Duckworth on our way south - fingers crossed.
Gt Haywood
06.00 - Another rainy night and still persisting down now. If it stops, we'll start taking stuff over to the van in readiness for our departure on Sunday morning.
Gt Haywood
05.30 - Yesterday I backed up my laptop onto my external hard drive and it took ages cos, lazy sod that I am, I hadn't done it for weeks. Today we are going to get a second HD and back up onto that as well; it would be just my luck for one to get damaged or pinched while we are travelling. The water systems need draining down today and the waste traps filling with cooking oil to prevent frost damage; we usually remove the pump completely to be on the safe side. When everything is transferred to the van we set a couple of electric heaters just above the frost setting and leave a couple of windows open to prevent condensation. Tonight we'll sleep in the van, so that we can slip away in the morning without disturbing anyone.
Another good run down to Burnham, where we had a nap in Morrisons car park until the shops opened. When I opened the blinds our mate Barrie was parked alongside us; he had come over from Weston ,to welcome us back to Zumerset. We had a yarn and a look at his new van over a couple of coffees, while Dawn tried to empty the shelves at Morrisons. When all the shopping was stowed away (hidden!), we headed here and are parked at our usual site on a hard standing pitch.
I'm home alone again; Dawn's boosting the hairdresser's benevolent fund. Just been in touch with the hospital and got my pre op on 23rd Oct and the hernia op on 1st Nov so, depending upon what the knee chap says this Thursday, we should be able to get away mid to late Nov. Our plan was to buy a small car if we were not going to be able to get away, but now it hardly seems worth it.
'Viagra' is now available in tea bags.
It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft.
This morning we borrowed Steve's car and I went to have a broken tooth sorted. The Dentist wouldn't take it out cos it was fillable, so he started drilling; I thought if he gets any deeper he can sort out my hernia as well, any road up, it's now sorted. From there we went on to visit Mum, who looked very well despite her back pain, and had a chinwag before taking the car back.
BUGGER, bugger, bugger. Today I went to see the chap who did my knee, cos I still can't straighten my leg properly. Seems there's nowt wrong with the joint, tis the soft tissue (bless you too) and possible scar tissue (bless you again) that is the problem and he wants to open it up to sort it. That's ****ed up our plans to go sarf in mid Nov, but he said the longer it's left the harder it will be to get full movement again, so got no choice really; only a few days in hospital but probably weeks of physio after. BUGGER, bugger, bugger
06.00 - It's blowing a good un here, so there should be a few walnuts on the ground when we venture out.
Last time we visited Mum she was telling us about a visit from the nurse who asked to weigh her. When we enquired how much she weighed, she said "I don't know, she weighed me in kilometres", now I know where I get it from, it's in my genes!
We're popping to see Mum this morning, while we still have Steve's car and then going to take the van to Chateau Barsby, in Peterborough, at the weekend. I love taking the boat to P'boro but definitely don't enjoy the roads there, so I'll slip off early Sunday and should get there in time for breakfast.
Raining, but not cold.
We had a good, if somewhat wet, run up to P'boro on Sunday and arrived just after 07.00. Today Barry & Ann took us to see their newly acquired static caravan at Heacham; smashing van and lovely location. We had a snack lunch and then Barry insisted we all had an ice cream at Hunstanton; so off we went, only to find that they had turned off the machine for the winter. Undaunted, Barry took us to another shop and they were still selling it, to any wrinklies daft enough to buy it in October!
Another early morning run, in not very pleasant weather, got us back to Taunton yesterday. We had an argument with an Audi at a roundabout, which has left us with a dink in the front wing but no major damage. I've just had a call from the hospital to let me know that I've got a pre-op on 6th Nov, for my next knee op, at a date yet to be fixed. Steve is lending us his car tomorrow so that we can visit Mum and get our flu jabs done at the surgery.
It's all happening here; we've had our flu jabs and met some old friends from when we had the shop in the village. Yesterday we went to look at a cheapo car, Vauxhall Corsa, and today we sorted the tax and insurance and collect it Sunday morning.
It's really mild here with a fair breeze, which is bringing the walnuts down by the dozen. I've collected the various parcels that I've had delivered to Julies and am now busy unpacking and inspecting.
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.

He decides, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says: 'What the f*** do you want?'

'Ah ha!' he says "Ryanair".
"Ursus Arctos Horribillus" is the scientific name for what animal?
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house....

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
I'm glad we're on a hard standing here, cos it's been raining for days now and the grass is getting quite sodden. We've heard from Gloria; she's back in the UK because she's not too well and Roger is driving the van back with help from their son (hope they're looking after you well Glo).
Talking of which, I've been sorting through some pics of our last winter in Portugal and here are a couple that show what damned hard work it was. Automatic washing machines - who needs em with facilities like these!
All joking aside, we take so much for granted - a lot of the locals still have to use these.
We're collecting the car on Tuesday, so another quiet day in today.
Walnuts, walnuts, walnuts; bl****y vans full of them (and wool of course).
Off to Exeter tomorrow morning for my pre-op; I've got to take a urine sample, so called in at the surgery for one of their wee bottles and was told they wouldn't let me have one if it was for the hospital?? I want to take a 2ltr pop bottle, but Dawn doesn't think they'll appreciate it.
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says. "This is phenomenal; you've graduated from the best schools, your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers".

"Hang on," the man says. "All I need to do is take two aspirins, they stop me winking!"...
"Really" says the interviewer? "Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country."
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
I was pre-oped this morning and passed fit to be cut open; sad part is no lifting or strenuous work for at least a week after the op - what am I going to do with myself?
Picked up the banger on the way home; I let Dawn drive, in case the wheels fell off, but she was chuffed and is actually reading the handbook!! More walnuts!!
I got a surprise call from Phil & Pat this morning; Phil is going to have a knee replacement next month, so it doesn't look as if they'll be heading south until after the new year. Dawn has caught the bus into Taunton and left me here to look after things, so I'm tidying up all the junk that seems to accumulate on the laptop.
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him 'Do you notice anything ifferent about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why yes Sir I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out.

The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also.

The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.' The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.'

He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*****g ears!
Monday is Mum's 98th birthday and the grandkids and great grandkids are taking her out to lunch at a nearby pub/restaurant. Dawn and I, along with my sister and her husband, are preparing a meal for tomorrow and then the four of us are going to have lunch with Mum at home. Today we are nipping (that's a laugh, should have put crawling!) to Taunton to get the chicken etc.. The wind has dropped now, but there's a fairly big storm forecast for tomorrow, so that should bring down the remaining walnuts. This site, Tanpits, seems to be getting more popular, with vans and tuggers calling in for a few nights or longer and there is a small "resident" population of vans and statics.
All went well with Mum's "Birthday" lunch; Dawn did a chicken in white wine thingy and Jean made a fruit crumble, using fruit from their own garden. The wind was gusting a bit along the Tivvy/Exeter valley road on the way home and we've just had a call from Julie, seeing if we want to go round there tonight, when the storm is expected to reach it's peak. We're staying here because by my reckoning our combined weight should help to keep the van stable - we'll see, xciting innit!
06.00 - I keep telling Dawn she ought to be out there collecting the walnuts, if the trees not blown away, but she seems to prefer her bed! Perhaps I shouldn't tempt fate, but the wind is dropping now and hopefully the worst of the storm has passed over us. It certainly rocked us about in the early hours and I'd better get the ladder out later on, to see what we've collected on the roof.
This morning I had a good long chat on Skype with Trevor and, during our chat, I received a voicemail on my phone, but thought it wouldn't be important so I left it. Fraid it's another case of bugger, bugger, bugger - they've moved my hernia op from this coming Friday to Nov 29th; how that's going to affect my knee op date I won't know till the knee man's secretary is back in the office on Monday.
05.00 - The wind got up again last night and peppered the van with leaves and twigs but it sounds calm enough out there now - apart from the cockerel, who's shouting his head off. We're meeting Ivan & Jean for lunch at the Maypole, we've had some good meals there and it's fairly central to both of us.