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Les Lobbs Diary
November 2013
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01/11/2013
Taunton
Did you get "trick or treated"; little darlins ain't they?
We had another good lunch at the Maypole yesterday, there's always a steady flow of customers there.
Dawn is hoping to go to a car boot sale this weekend, to sell some of the crochet/knitting she's been beavering away at - it'll make a bit of space in the van if she does!
Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."
'We have many suites', then the clerk winked,
'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
'Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'
Just got back from Exeter after getting the first mate some new glasses, not the drinking sort! It's quite mild and most of the walnuts have fallen; the squirrels are running off with them and being chased by magpies, though god knows what a magpie would do with a walnut.
02/11/2013
Taunton
Don't mention wool; the inside of the van is festooned with bonnets, scarves, mittens and other knitted stuff. Tomorrow is boot sale day, so today is "getting ready" day and that seems to mean pricing and sorting everything - I'm staying up my end of the van out of the way!
These pics show some of the gear that's going t'market tomorrow; there are also 2 refugee bags, full of crocheted knee blankets and throws. I'm being left in charge of the van and Ashley is going with Dawn to help out.
03/11/2013
Taunton
08.30 - We had a lot of rain and strong winds overnight, but the sun's out now. The car's all loaded ready for the boot sale, which is from 12.00 to 15.00, but sellers can get in at 11.00.
18.00 - Looks as though we can eat again this week; the boot sale went well!
A Catholic Priest, a Brethren Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Brethren don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!
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Three Holy Men and a Bear
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The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Simples eh? I'll add some harder ones later in the month.
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06/11/2013
Taunton
More rain overnight, gurt big puddles everywhere.
We're off to Exeter this afternoon, for me to have another pre-op for my knee (this is getting more like a medical report everyday) and we may call in Mum's on the way back to Taunton; it depends what I feel like after they've pulled me about. At my last knee pre-op, a gang of student doctors tried to see if they could pull my leg off, or at least unscrew it a bit; I suppose they've got to practise on someone.
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16.00 - Set off for the hospital in plenty of time and twas a good job we did; the throttle jammed open and guess what the cause was - b*****y walnut shells. It seems the squirrels thought our engine compartment was a good dry place to eat the nuts and leave the empty shells beside the throttle linkage, bless um.
We got to the hospital ok, answered all the usual questions and handed over my wee bottle. The nurse then told me it was a day surgery op, whereas the surgeon had told me I would be kept in for a few days; apart from having the op down for my left knee instead of the right everything else seems in order.
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08/11/2013
Taunton
Twas colder last night - I wanna be where it's warm!!
We set off in the car to go to Julie's and I couldn't get 1st or 2nd gear - more walnut shells, jamming the gear linkage this time; wonder if you can eat squirrels! After clearing the shells it all seemed OK and Dawn has taken it into town, but not until we'd looked under the van bonnet. The top of the engine battery was decorated with shells but we couldn't see them anywhere else, so they were soon cleared; pesky varmints.
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When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex? 'Tarzan not know sex,' he replied. Jane explained to him what sex was.

Tarzan said,' ....Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.' Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her full on in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually gasping for air she screamed 'What the **** did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'
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10/11/2013
Taunton
Tis a bright sunny morning, a bit cool, but perfik for a boot sale. Alex is Dawn's minder at this morning's sale at Junction 24 and he's been sorting out some unwanted stuff of his own to take along.
18.00 - Dawn's not had a good day at the boot sale, but Alex sold loads of his old toys and showed her how it should be done.
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When we were at our daughters t'other day, I asked if I could have a newspaper. "A newspaper!" she exclaimed "get up to date, use the iPod." Poor bloody fly didn't know what had hit him!
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14/11/2013
Taunton
We're getting rocked about a bit cos it's blowing a hooley outside. It was a bright sunny day yesterday, so we had a ride over to Burnham, to check out the stock at Larkins - came out with a bagful of stuff!! Sometime soon we're going to have to take the van to Sainsburys and get the gas bottles filled up, but now, having the car, we're reluctant to get it off the ramps and jam everything back in the cupboards.
No news from the hospital with a date for my knee op; I don't know if it does any good to keep ringing them up, or if it just p*****s them off. (I'm going to call anyway!).
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Twas worth the call - knee op on 9th Dec as an in-patient; I'm going to have to postpone the hernia op.
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Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea, two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.

Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.

(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked. 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.

He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.' Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'..........
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16/11/2013
Taunton
It was another cool one last night, but bright and breezy today. It's harvest time in the cider orchards and Harold has collected trailer loads already; this summer seems to have provided bumper crops of fruit and nuts. I just hope it's not a sign of a bad winter to come, cos it looks as though we'll be spending a large part of it in this country - brrrrrrrrrr.
There's a new video clip on the right but I'd advise BC not to watch it, unless he's had a few nips of scotch first.
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Paddy and his wife were discussing their sex life.
Paddy said, "I want to try that wheelbarrow position tonight."
His wife asked, "What is that?"
Paddy told her, "You bend over, put your hands on the floor then I pick your legs up and take you from behind!"

His wife said, "Hmm, okay, I'll do it on two conditions. First, if it
hurts you stop immediately and, second, ... we don't go down past my mother's house!"
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17/11/2013
Taunton
More firework displays last night; someone must have money to burn.
Mum's off on a coach trip to the coast this morning and we are going to do a few small jobs while the place is empty. I've got to replace tap washers while Dawn has some gardening chores; the worst bit is finding the tools, because our gear is in a bit of a jumble.
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FYI - To free up some web space, I've deleted the "jokes" pages; I haven't updated them for yonks, so I reckon anyone who wanted to read them will have done so by now. The only problem is that there will be, in the very early pages, a few links to the now non-existent jokes pages - these links will produce an error message.
There is now a link on the homepage to a private area that I'm building; this will enable me to send private or personal files and messages to friends, via password protected pages.
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Wedding anniversary today - 46 years! Dawn should get a medal; mind you, she's showing less signs of wear and tear than I am, so that must prove something. We didn't get our jobs done at Mum's cos we couldn't find any tools, but we did find a few things we had forgotten we had!
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18/11/2013
Taunton
03.30 - I've spent the last 2 hours grappling with HTaccess files, trying to get password protection on parts of my website. Emailed my chief test pilots to try it out for me but I reckon they must be asleep; I thought about ringing them but don't know if they would appreciate it.
We're off to Julie's today so may be able to skype after about 10.00 uk time, if you're around Trevor.
Roger & Gloria - been trying to contact you, to see how Glo's getting on; if you can't reach me, can you ask Trevor or Abby to get in touch please.
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Life just gets better as you get older doesn't it.
I was in a Coffee shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realised that I desperately needed to break wind.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my breaking wind to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.
This is what happens when old people start using technology.
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Two old guys, Rick 80 and Bill 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around,
the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."
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Somebody told me that flowers have sexual organs --- POPPYCOCK!!
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19/11/2013
Taunton
Sharp frost here, with crusty windscreens.
We're having lunch with Mum today; collecting scampi and chips from Tivvy and taking them over at 12.00.
Ju has a foreign student living with them and he had a day off college yesterday, so he was using the internet and I couldn't Skype; will try again tomorrow.
I had a chat with Gloria yesterday; there is an internet problem where they are, making it difficult to keep in contact, so it was good to hear from her.
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A young man decides to dedicate his life to God and join a monastery. He joins an order of Monks and takes a vow of silence.

However, he's promised by the Abbot that he can speak two words per Decade.

After 10 Years the Abbot asks him his two words for the decade.
He replies ... "Bed Broken"

After his second decade the Abbot asks him again his two words for that year.
He replies ... "Still Broken"

After thirty years the Abbot asks him his two words for that decade.
He replies ... "I'm Leaving"


The Head Monk says ...

"Thank God...you've done nothing but moan since you got here!"

Reminder - Nonogram answers can be found on the "Answers" page
21/11/2013
Taunton
Cor that was a windy night; I heard our waste water bucket rattle under the van in the early hours, so we'll have to track that down this morning, probably up a tree somewhere. Off to see Mum this morning, the cars certainly earning it's keep!
Dawn made up a stew yesterday and the slow cooker has been on all night; it smells gorgeous - can you have stew for breakfast?
13.00 - Back from Mum's and we have just demolished the stew -- beef, potatoes, carrots, parsnips, swede, onions, garlic and b,nut squash with a dash of chilli; deeeeeeeeelicious.
22/11/2013
Taunton
06.00 - That was a quieter night, but still a fair breeze blowing.
For the last year or so I've been posting on the "Wild Camping" forum and have met some really friendly and helpful people, but lately it has turned nasty with lots of personal insults and abuse. I've just, sadly, cancelled my membership because I've had enough of it. Why is it that people who can't offer anything helpful or constructive have to try and destroy things; it's not just on the net, you can see it in the streets of most towns in England.
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A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
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23/11/2013
Taunton
It turned out sunny enough yesterday for a trip to the seaside, well Burnham actually. We had the obligatory coffee and toasted teacake and Dawn had a walk into town. There's a fishmonger that makes fishcakes using cod, salmon and smoked haddock and they are very tasty, so that's today's meal sorted!
I've just joined a different forum for Motorhomes http://freemotorhominguk.boards.net and from what I've seen so far, it looks a well designed and run site, and no membership fees!!
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25/11/2013
Taunton
It's not so cold this morning and it sounds dry out there. Because we're not doing much at the moment, I'm filling the gaps with funnies - probably more interesting anyway; so if you have any funnies, I'd be most grateful.
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It was really hard to get over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey,but I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about!!
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Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say.

The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness.

"Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" "No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..
He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face....
The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and
coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
29/11/2013
Taunton
We're cooking on gas now! I've got an appt for my hernia op - 3rd Jan so, if all goes well, we may see the Med before spring arrives. We spent the morning at Julie's, Dawn doing ironing and stuff while I used the wifi and then had fish & chips from the chippy round the corner. I don't know what we are going to do when we have to settle down, cos we both miss the travelling.
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas Cards. "What denomination" asked the assistant.

"Oh, good heavens, have we come to this" said the woman, "well give me thirty Catholic, ten Baptist ones, twenty Latter Day Saints and forty C of E".
Paddy & Mick flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to shoot six. Loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some
mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."