Lift bridge on South Oxford canal
Les Lobbs Diary
November 2012
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Each of the 6-letter words below can be broken down
into two common 3-letter words.
For example: NOTIFY = FIN TOY.

Well Barry's joined the ranks of the aged grumblers today; mind you, he's been practising for quite a few years already. We left Taunton this morning for a doctors appt at 9.00, we allowed ourselves an hour and a quarter for what is normally a 40min trip. Traffic was at a standstill on the outskirts of Taunton, so I headed off into the sticks and, after seeing lots of pretty villages, arrived at the surgery with 5mins to spare; the receptionist said "I have been trying to ring you, the Doctor is out on an emergency call" - no wonder my blood pressure's up !! I saw him at 10.00 and all was well so we tootled into Execeter to collect admins new specs; wonder how long they'll last.
What did Sir Giles Gilbert Scott design in 1924, that was to be found in most towns and villages and has now virtually disappeared from use.
Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect.
All our jobs are done here, so we popped over to see Mum this morning; the trees along the Exe valley look brilliant in oranges and yellows. Mum gave us a couple of things to "deliver" while we are in Peterborough; we usually get there fairly early and it's not a problem with the parkways that circle the city. Dawn has started sorting out the things we need to leave on the boat and listing the stuff we need to transfer to the van. When I'm in hospital, Dawn thought it would be easier to visit if she came by bus; when she asked the lady at Tivvy bus depot, about buses from Taunton to Exeter, she replied "why don't you go by train" -- obviously did her training at Ryan Air !!

Ole Fills In
A doctor in Duluth , Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"Ole, I am goin' huntin' tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients." "Yes, sir!" answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Ole, how was your day?"
Ole told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him ASPIRIN."
"Bravo, mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him GAVISCON, sir," says Ole.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her panties and lies down on the table and shouts:
"HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years!!"
"Tunderin' Lard Yeezus, Ole, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes!!"

Use the letters from the word below, to fill in the blank squares, making complete words both down and across.
A couple of helpful kitchen tips.
Dodgy start this morning; moved 2ft and started sinking into the sodden grass so we had to get Harold to pull us onto the road with his tractor. The journey to P'boro was good with only a slight hold up at the M5/M4 junction, and we visited Dawn's brother Trevor and his wife Sue before booking in at Chateau Barsby. Ann had tea and warm mince pies waiting for us, cracking campsite this is!!
The missus bought a Paperback
down Asda, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
T’was “fifty shades of grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Doris hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in an
Said - I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Doris,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit
I thought what the hell,
Stepped forward,
and stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one”!!

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned “fifty shades of Grey”
Fifty Shades of Grey
A recently retired friend of ours who, for reasons of anonymity, I will call Gom, has shunned the usual OAP pastimes of gardening, golf and grumbling, and has taken it upon himself to give the urban environment a more natural look.
We all know how planners place lamp posts equi-distant from the kerb and each other, and always erect them perfectly upright, well Gom, in true Don Quixote style, has decided to tilt the odd one or two. This removes the " samey" image and gives a more natural effect.
As he selflessly wants no thanks or praise from the local councils, he is careful to remove all trace of paint from the lamp posts and pick up any broken plastic lens covers. The posts are picked at random, but usually coincide with his chosen parking place.
His only tools are a French built car and his own natural driving ability. He has built up his skill over the years: I remember his first experiment was to find out the G force necessary to roll an A40 (his Father's) from a bend in the road, into the grounds of the local crematorium. He then progressed through removing wing mirrors from parked cars, pushing oncoming vehicles out of his way and adjusting the position of those concrete balls that used to adorn garage forecourts.
The benefits of his work are not only a talking point for other motorists, but also draw the attention of pedestrians who walk along texting and then crack their heads on the newly tilted lamp posts.
If anyone from Top Gear's recruiting team is reading this, please do not ask, as I will not reveal Barry's name or where he lives in Peterborough.
Help in the Community - an unsung Hero
If this catches on we may see bumper stickers changing from "Plant a Tree" to "Tilt a Post"
Gt Haywood
The boat has been drained of water and filled with diesel and is now ready for the winter. Everything (we think) we need has been moved to the van and we will sleep in it tonight ready for an early start tomorrow. Our neighbour at the marina is going to run our engine every few weeks and generally keep an eye on the boat for us; that gives us peace of mind while we are away. Dawn is getting on well with her new "tractor light" glasses, you know - the ones that get darker in the sun, and is just sewing up her latest creation, a short sleeved cardigan.
We'em 'ere; another good trip down - 250km in 3 hours with no hold ups. We topped the van up with diesel and gas at the Taunton Sainsbury and then, because the store doesn't open till 7.00, we had a kip in the car park. The campsite is still quite moist, so I've parked the van with the front wheels just off the road on mats; we should be able to get moving on our own when it's time to leave. Dawn is walking into town this afternoon to collect Alex from school and will stop at Ju's tonight; Steve's car should be available in the morning so we'll probably nip to Exeter.
Tomorrow's the day for my op, if it's not cancelled, so we've fished out my jim jams and a dressing gown, and guess what, they haven't shrunk too much since my last hospital visit. This will be the last entry for a few days, but when they release me I'm staying at Julie's until I'm mobile again, so I'll have use of her wifi; look out for loads of rubbish then!
Got to hospital for 07.30 and was given a new outfit of paper knickers and one of those gowns that tie up at the back (I think that's where the phrase "I see you" comes from). By 08.30 I was having an injection in my back and losing all feelings in my lower half. I was awake throughout the operation and, while the sounds were a bit off putting, there was no pain. They took me up to the ward after lunch - just my luck- and got me settled in.
The physios arrived after breakfast and, with their help, I managed a few steps before my head started to spin. They left me with various exercises to do and went on to their next victim. There is a quite a varied menu and the food is good; one benefit of not having a full anaesthetic is no sicky after effects to bother your eating!
Today I passed all the physio requirements and the surgeon said he was pleased with outcome, so I can go home tomorrow when the paperwork is done.
There was nothing much to do this morning but exercise until Dawn picked me up at 14.30. The chap in a bed opposite collapsed when the physios got him up and, with the alarms sounding, staff came running from all directions - pretty impressive response. Dawn arrived on time and took me back to Julies, where she had made up our camp in the dining room.
Settling in today; the cats seem a bit put out as they obviously thought the bed was here for their benefit. Jean & Ivan brought Mum over to see me just after lunch to make sure her "little boy" was ok.
Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? ------------------- All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
If you've ever watched the antics of some people when they try to park a caravan, watch this >>>
How real men use
Post It notes.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.

Suddenly a Hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.

When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.

His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen"

Dave replies, “Well we were married for nearly 20 years."
Cor, have we had some rain!! Dawn was driving through flooded roads this morning when she took the boys to school and Ashley's school have just rung to ask if it's ok to send him home as they are closing. We heard from Gloria that Silves in Portugal, where we most likely would have been, if I hadn't had my op, was hit by a tornado recently and several vans were rolled over; the swimming pool had it's roof ripped off and the footy stadium was badly damaged. There are several clips on You Tube, just search for "tornado Algarve". I'm waiting for Nursey to come and change my dressing, but I expect the floods will have messed their schedules about.
A pal of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.

I said "How can you tell them apart?"

He said "Her brother's got a moustache."
Eagle Owl clip
Still pushing away at my exercises, just short of 90 degrees but quads need a lot of work to lift the leg, I can only get it up 6"; still, I've got nowt else to do. Dawn helped me to wash my hair, yes both of them, this morning, that's incentive enough to get more mobile! The rain still keeps a'coming; the Grand Western Canal that runs from Tiverton has burst it's banks at Halberton and emptied into surrounding fields, again there are clips on You Tube. The forecast is still quite moist for the weekend so I think I may be in the best place!
I had a Trivial Pursuit competition in the bag until the last question, which I got wrong.
The question was "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
The answer I should have given was Fiji.
Getting better - I can get it up 2ft, if I do my bendy/stretchy exercise first. Staples out today; it will be great to have a proper shower again! The whole area around us is still suffering from flooding and it's aftermath, and there's more
rain to come, according to the forecasts.
The nurse has oiked out the staples and it looks a good clean job, "don't pick the scabs" was the parting advice - I've picked most off already.
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong??
The boy says "me Ma is dead".
"Oh I am sorry" the man says "Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you"?
The boy replies "No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on me mind at the moment".
We had a very pleasant surprise on Monday, when Ann rang to say that she and Barry were on their way to visit us. We had a good chin wag before they went looking for their B&B at Norton Fitzwarren. Dawn is cracking on with her crocheting and knitting and has orders from Ashley and Alex for gloves and scarves.