Les Lobbs Diary
December 2012
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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his girlfriend moved forwards then backwards......forwards then backwards......back and forth.........back and forth........in and out.........in and out.

Her heart was now pounding faster, her face flushed as she moaned, softly at first........then she began to groan louder! Finally.....totally exhausted she let out an almighty scream!!!

"Ok, Ok! I can't park the ***kin car! You do it, you smug ba**ard!!"
Here's a clip you really must watch
A frosty start and now it's raining. Everyone is moving 'cept us - Gloria and Roger are coming back to the UK for Xmas and Pat and Phil have just sent a text to say they are heading for Tours. They had a look round the town centre at Rouen, after doing what most of us have done - took the wrong turning off the ring road. I've got my first physio appt on Tuesday morning at Taunton hospital; it will be good to know how I'm progressing and when I can try without the crutches.
Dawn's latest project.
We've just got back from the physio; she said I was making good progress and gave me a few new exercises for my calf muscles. I can walk with one crutch now, but I've got to concentrate on walking properly and not just getting from a to b as fast as I can. When Julie picked us up from the hospital the rain was trying to turn into sleet and it was reet chilly.
Something to aim for? >>>>
We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening. We switched on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the back garden.

We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. It ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the night. So, she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said to my wife as we drove away. "The stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked!
I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back garden! She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.
Not much to write about; I seem to spend my time doing knees bend, knees stretch ra ra ra, and eating. We've just heard from the marina that they are increasing their mooring fees by 2%, but we've decided to stay at Gt Haywood - don't want the hassle of moving, and it is a good location. Dawn is doing the school run this morning, then popping into town for a bit of shopping. According to the latest email from Gloria, Phil & Pat have made it to Portugal and are on the aire at Alvor - 4€ a night inc elect.
The phone rings, and the wife answers.

A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he 's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?"
Wong Chow calls into work and says, 'I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work..'

The boss says, 'You know something, WongChow , I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later WongChow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great... I be at work soon.....You got nice house. '
This morning I managed a few steps sans crutches, not very elegant but it felt good. The temperatures have taken a dive here and, although it is midday, there is still frost on the lawn and hedges. Mum has been staying with Jean and Ivan while her new heating system was installed; the job is now finished and Dawn and Ivan are tidying up, prior to Mum going home tomorrow.
Sandy and Andy go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Sandy missed the tube and Andy came on the bus!
We're going to visit Mum this morning and have a look at the new heating system; it's cold outside, but dry, so should be safe on my sticks. The grandkids are getting excited as Xmas gets closer and parcels keep arriving.
pm - Mum is nice and cosy again; they've made a tidy job of the heating and it all seems to be working ok. Dawn bought a sewing machine this morning and is now trying it out, the old one she had was knackered when Eve threw it out. We can now zig zag, buttonhole, and loads of other things which are bound to come in handy - I just hope it can repair cratch covers!
Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact the error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from copies for centuries; but maybe you have a point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts have been held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot, so the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed out the
R! We missed out the R! We missed out the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, " What's wrong father?" With a choking voice the old abbot replies,

"The word was - CELEB
Why did God give women orgasms? ----- So they can still moan, even when they're enjoying themselves.
I had a near death experience yesterday afternoon that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things couldn't possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrups...

When this happened I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Tesco Manager came out and unplugged it!
I'm toddling around without my sticks now, be on solids soon!
We've decided that we are not going abroad, and plan to go to the boat in the new year, if all's well at my post op appt. Dawn keeps checking on the van and it's OK, with the heater on frost stat and the waste tank drain left open. The campsite is still very moist, so we are hoping for a dry spell or a hard frost when we want to move the van off it's pitch.
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ... "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied ... "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that, after having their tonsils out.
1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in? 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever Eastern European scam while out shopping. Simply dropping into Asda Penryn for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:
...Two seriously good-looking voluptuous 20-25 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the boot. They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead ask you for a lift to the town centre.

You agree and they both get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing, until both are completely naked. Then,
when you pull over to remonstrate, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you, and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. On December 1st, 4th, 6th and twice yesterday. So please warn all the older men you know to be on the lookout for this scam. Tesco Extra Pool, Asda Penryn and St Austell seem like hotspots for this, The best times seem to be just before lunch, and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

P.S. Sainsburys have cheap wallets on sale for £1.45 each but Asda wallets are £2.25 and look better
Christmas Classic
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
Still it keeps raining; there's a sign off the motorway for "Pick Your Own ---- Rice"
The wifi packed in this morning and the Sky helpline has had Dawn checking all the connections, the ADSL filter looks to be the problem, so Dawn is getting one from Currys; if that doesn't cure it, they will send an engineer out.
The good news is that they can fix it without sending an engineer, the bad news is that it could take up to 72hous.
20.00 - Sky just rang to say they are sending a new router; it should be here Thursday, so it's back to the dongle again.
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows
'Twenty dollars' she whispers
Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks..
So they hide in the bushes.. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them .
It is a police officer. 'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.
Does Santa really live at the north pole? Let's look at the evidence.

1. Wears red and white
2. Good at breaking into houses
3. Has loads of electrical goods that nobody can trace
4. Drives an unlicensed vehicle
5. Only does one days work a year

Lapland my arse! He's a bloody Scouser.
06.00 start today! The boys were eager to open their pressies and then we spent the next couple of hours setting up their new phones and tablet. Dawn took Max for a walk and Alex went with them to try out his new scooter; it's really mild and nothing like traditional Xmas weather. Pat has rung to tell us of their trip down to Portugal and the new places they have stayed at.
Julie took us to the hospital yesterday for my post op check up; we usually have problems parking, but because of this naughty virus that's going around, visitors are being discouraged and there were loads of spaces. By the time I got to see the consultant my knee was fairly swollen and warm, when it gets like that the scar is raised and a delightful shade of purple. She was pleased with the outcome of the op and the movement I have, but got a doctor to look at the scar - it appears it is "hypertrophic" or as he put it in English, over healing. Dawn or I have now got to massage cream into the scar while we await the blood tests they did, to make sure there is no infection. So in general terms it seems that if you have anything that is purple and raised a good massage should help it! They are sending me another appt for three weeks time, when I should be driving again; this will delay our return to the boat, but there's no rush.
There is still a lot of water lying in the fields and on some roads, but the Exeter to Tiverton road is now open again as my sister found out when she took Mum home after the holiday. We are going to see Mum on Saturday and having lunch with her on Sunday.